Purge and Hope

I haven't written in four days. I have felt numb. The 2016 U.S. presidential election results left me in shock. My initial reaction was to shut it out and go about my everyday activity. Inside, I was feeling something I couldn't put into words. Angry, fearful, sad... none of them seemed to describe the unsettling knots in my stomach, and in my heart. I swore I wouldn't lash out. I wouldn't pick up a pen or open my keyboard and rant. This was no time for an emotionally charged rant. I decided instead to retreat, to pretend nothing happened. But, we all know that's impossible.

In the days following, I have mostly been observing. I've listened to Trump supporters gloat about their "win" as though it was high school football competition. I've heard these same people shame protesters who feel strongly Trump is not their president. I've tried to pretend there isn't a thickness in the air, one even the high school students I work with can feel. I tried to comfort a friend who was weepy, in deep sorrow, about what this election will mean for the future of our nation.

I've listened to people from every side and angle spew self-righteousness and I have said nothing. Perhaps it's because I don't know what to say. I don't even know what I feel. And though I am not happy about the outcome of the election, I am scared to feel consumed by it. I am scared to feel that angry all the time. And I refuse.

So I have decided to purge, here and now. Then I will move on the best I can.

I am embarrassed that this man is the face of our nation. I am embarrassed by the things he has said and the things he said he wants to do. I am embarassed by the words of people I know. I can't believe people say we needed Trump because the last eight years under President Obama were "a mess." I don't agree with this statement.

I am sick of the slogan Make America great again, because I don't believe America was ever not great. I am now, though, afraid of what America will become. I'm sick of people dismissing Trump's deplorable comments and actions towards minorities and women.

I am scared for Americans' (all Americans) civil rights. I am scared for the future of health care, education, the environment, and social services in our country. I'm scared because I still feel disgust at the mention of his name and the sight of his face. I don't want to feel that way about the President of my country.

But I will hope for the best, because I have no other choice. I hope he will prove us wrong (though I am skeptical). I hope the next four years go quickly and without disaster. I hope our new President rises to the occasion. I hope as my dad said this morning, that the president will make the man. I hope  the people of our nation will find a way to come together again. I hope American can heal.