We've Got Work to Do

It was only once.

That's what she said.

It was only once.

I honestly couldn't believe it. That's what one of the girls at my school argued to me in defense of listening to Chris Brown. And I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Forget the whole Chris Brown thing, and whether or not you agree with fandom or consumerism in support of people you don't respect or share views with. This is not about the music.

It started as a lighthearted "calling to the carpet" of one of the girls by her counselor while waiting for the bus at dismissal. The student told her counselor she was allowed to listen to music on the computer during class (not true), and during dismissal her counselor heard a side conversation with a teacher that indicated otherwise. So she called the girl over and outed her. No biggie. This kind of stuff happens at our center all the time. Anyone who works with teens knows they try to get away with harmless things that make them happy, just because they want to. No one was saying she was in trouble, and there was even some giggling as she got called out. What surfaced in the interaction, was her counselor's mention of the music choice: Chris Brown uncut version, or original album. In other words, it was the explicit lyrics version which was notable to the counselor.

I might have been out of line, but I couldn't help myself because the mention of Chris Brown makes my skin crawl (so does the mention of  R. Kelly or Mel Gibson, by the way). I turned to the student and those around her and said, You know he beats up on women, right? Of all issues to stand up against, when you work in an all girls school, it seems appropriate to point out those who mistreat women. It's important for us to denormalize what is portrayed as normal in entertainment and media. As if Brown was their brother or cousin or best friend, the girls jumped all over me! They started slut shaming Rihanna and defending Brown. I was pretty well shocked. Mind you, I don't know a lot of the details of their story. I am not a fan of hip hop music, and I don't follow entertainment "news," unless it's something that goes mainstream. But here are some of the things they said:

She gave him an STD.

He only did it once.

Maybe he's sorry for what he did.

She cheated on him.

I was totally blown away. They sounded like abusers. They sounded like the men who defend beating on women. They blamed her. They are so conditioned by their surroundings and what they see on TV and the internet. I'm still in awe just thinking about it. I responded in the only level-headed way, and the counselor agreed with me.

I don't know their story. I don't care what she did or what she said. I don't know anything about Rihanna or her role in the relationship. 

But there is nothing you could tell me she did or said that makes it okay for him to beat on her.

There is no excuse, no reason for a man to ever be violent toward a woman.

I wanted my argument to be universal. It didn't matter whether it was Rihanna and Chris Brown, or their mom and dad, or their best friend and her boyfriend, or them. Violence against women and girls or anyone is not okay. They continued to argue with me, to trash talk Rihanna, to defend Chris Brown. Finally, as the bus pulled up, I had to end it by saying this:

There is no situation you can give me that makes violence by a man toward a woman acceptable.

And they pouted and rolled their eyes. Then they got on the bus and went home, probably listening to Chris Brown on their headphones. We've got a lot of work to do, not just at PACE. Everywhere.

Love shouldn't hurt.

Image retrieved from twitter.com