A Painful Truth

Saw photos of myself today and I didn't like what I saw. I am not proud I feel this way, but I do. It doesn't have much to do with the excess weight I'm so obviously carrying these days, it has more to do with my face.

I've never thought of myself as ugly, but I would never describe myself as pretty either. My looks to me are not perpetual or finite. They are more dynamic. Sometimes I think I look good, and other times I feel disgust when I see my own image. I feel more attractive when I have a bit of a suntan, and I have always thought of my hair as my best physical feature. So if I have some color in my face, and my hair looks good, I'm usually okay with my appearance.

Yesterday I participated in a photo shoot at work. I was a facilitating a discussion with some students about a new program we're doing. The photos were to be used for a promotional presentation at a gala fundraising event. Today I saw the photos. Yuck. I don't like the way I look at all. I actually thought, my hair looks alright, but gosh do I look ugly. The angles of my nose were unattractive. The expressions on my face and the dark circles under my eyes made me feel sick.

I don't like feeling this way about myself, but the feelings are real and I know millions of people feel this way everyday when they look in the mirror. I don't hate myself. I just don't feel pretty. And I happen to have a loving husband who tells and shows me he doesn't agree. I wonder how I would feel if I didn't have him to make me feel attractive. I know we shouldn't need others to tell us we're beautiful, but if we don't feel it ourselves and no one tells us, what are we to do? I am not having surgery to change my face. I just have to live with a mug I think is subpar. I need to focus on and embrace the things about me that make me feel good.

It's time to remind myself about the things that make me beautiful. I am smart and kind of funny (I think). I love to write, and I'm a great friend. I have a beautiful healthy son who makes me proud, and I am a loving mother, wife, daughter, and sister... and aunt, cousin, and niece. I care about people. I mean I really care about people, in the way that I have devoted my life's work to helping people become educated and healthy. I love reading and writing and learning and teaching. I believe in my heart, though I don't see beauty immediately when I look in the mirror, that deep behind my eyes and in my soul, I am a beautiful person. And that's just going to have to be enough.

I'm not tan in this photo, but I feel a little bit pretty. Not sure why.