Love- Going All In

I read an interesting article in the Style section of The New York Times online today. Titled, To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This, it was a personal essay submitted to a Times weekly series about love. The author cited a full study by a couple of professors from SUNY Stony Brook who used a series of questions and tasks, in a laboratory setting to bring the two coupled participants closer together. It was a sort of, can we make these two people fall in love kind of experiment. A couple of the participants did get married six months later. And the author of the Times article did a little experiment of her own, trying the 36 question exchange with a man she knew casually at work but had one evening met up with in a bar. As she described, it was a bit off the cuff. They were talking about the experiment and how fascinated she was by it.

She said, "I've always wanted to try it."

He said, "Let's try it." So they did.

They did fall in love, and she's quick to admit the study wasn't completely responsible for their relationship. But it's still enough to make me wonder. If I wasn't already married to the love of my life, I might consider trying it myself. In short, the premise is the line of questioning and tasks gradually builds up a rather quick intimacy in a short period of time. Skip the small talk and get to the good stuff. And it assumes both participants are adults, and willing to submit to the possibility of closeness or love as a result.

It got me thinking. When people meet a life partner later in life, they don't seem to need as much time to know this person is "the one." Unlike people in my case, who grew up with their spouses taking their time, those who meet at marriage eligible-age have nothing holding them back. In fact, many of them are ready to go as soon as the right person enters their lives. I know several people who experienced this. Others around them, myself included, might have initially assumed things moved too quickly. How can they know so soon? Are they moving too fast? I've come to realize at a more mature age, with two people who are willing and participatory in building intimacy quickly (like sharing in the types of conversations initiated by the 36 questions), it may not take so long to know you're in love. And when you are at a stage in your life when you are willing to enter a committed relationship, there's no reason to wait.

So jumping in too soon, getting too close too fast, going all in from the get go... it doesn't seem like such a bad thing. If both people know what they want and they've found it in each other, why not? I'd be really curious to know if the questions on e-harmony and some of the other dating services, have taken into consideration the questions in this study. I'd love to hear another personal account of the experiment, with two totally random people. I'm married, so it's not happening. Any takers?