Say

I have been in a strange headspace lately. Confusion has been creeping into my consciousness days and now weeks at a time. I have always loved the song Say, by John Mayer. For some reason it has always spoken to me, perhaps because it's about words and honesty. One day this week on the way to work, the only commute of the week I switched from listening to NPR to choosing shuffle on my iPod, Say popped up. Every ten seconds or so I turned the volume up more and more. It was a beautiful cool and sunny day- I had the sunroof open, and the music and lyrics, along with the warm sunshine, washed over me and released a big knot inside. I found myself in a deep and desperate cry. This is my first draft attempt at digging into the root of that cry and my connection to the song.

Say 
by John Mayer 

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems 
Better put 'em in quotations

I earned a terminal degree,

terminal as in ending, as in dying?

I am caught between two worlds,

too much for one, 

not enough for the other.

Dying a slow death inside,

I'm searching for a life-line.

It can only come from within.

Say what you need to say

I don't know what I want anymore.

I don't know where to go next.

I don't know why I often feel the need to move.

Walk like a one-man army

Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead
If you could only...

I strode across the stage,

donned with a satin sash, cap and gown.

They called me doctor, 

and the dean shook my hand.

Applause filled the arena, 

pride filled my parents' hearts.

Expectations rose

for them, for me.

Say what you need to say.

I thought it would be different.

I thought more doors would open.

I thought I would know what I wanted.

Have no fear for giving in

Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
It's better to say too much 
Than never to say what you need to say again

Is it time to throw in the towel,

and find a new challenge?

I ask myself if I want to continue,

torn between intellect and emotion.

After so much time, so much money

can the accomplishment stand on its own

or do I have a responsibility to do more?

What does the universe want with me?

Even if your hands are shaking

And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Feelings of hurt and anger, confusion

have me wondering if I did the right thing.

I close my eyes and open my heart,

wait for answers to come to me.

Pressure has released and I cry

in cathartic desperation.

Am I hearing what I want to hear 

is honesty unshackling me?

Say what you need to say

I'm afraid it's all over and I don't mind.

I'm afraid I have changed my mind.
I'm afraid to say it out loud.

I'm afraid everyone will think I'm crazy.