The Hard Truth

It's hard to be a kid sometimes, even an 18-year-old one.

Over the weekend my son made a mistake. A pretty big one. Not life threatening or hurtful, just a pretty big mistake. Let's leave it at that. I took him out for a little while yesterday, and he was dropping hints for me to ask about it. You know what that's like, don't you? When you want to tell someone something, but you don't know how or what to say, so you bait them into asking you. I think it's a protective strategy our brain uses,without conscious awareness. I wasn't picking up on it until we got in the car to come home, and he told me he didn't "feel right." I was starting to feel the vibe. I knew he was a little off. So I asked him if he was feeling well physically, if he was ok. He said he was. So I asked him if there was something on his mind, something emotional bothering him. That's when he finally let it out. Welled-up eyes, and increased heart beat visible through his shirt, he told me. I asked if he felt better having let it out. He said no, but I knew why. He still had to tell his dad. Ugh, telling your dad the truth about something you're not so proud of is often worse than the consequences that naturally come along with the mistake in and of itself. Take it from me. I know.

Never mind what he did, it's not important. What followed was an additional 24 hours' anticipation of his dad's reaction, because we had company and there was no time alone. I was feeling sick to my stomach in anticipation too. I don't know if it was just mom sympathy, or if it was actual empathy because the fear of having to tell my dad something I knew would disappoint him, was all too familiar. But this morning, I insisted my son go talk to his dad before leaving for work. My husband and I would be home together and I couldn't harbor the secret, nor did I feel good about it weighing on my son's mind all day at work. And he told him. And my husband got angry. He went on a rant, and my son took it bravely and with humility. Then, as I tried to pull my heart back down from up in my throat, my husband surprised me. "Jacob, wait. Come here," he said. And he pulled him in and hugged him. "I know you didn't mean for any of this to happen. It's ok." The consequences will be what they will be, but my son will always know his mom and dad love him and we've always got his back.