People of all sorts, from all parts of the world, strive to have love in their lives. For some, their priority is the love of family, others love in a partner, and still others love of G-d or humanity. Of course most cherish love in any combination of all of these. What strikes me, is the various ways people pontificate on love. Seemingly adopted in response to one's experiences, attitudes about love can be polarizing. There really is no middle ground. Rarely do you hear people say, "Love is sorta ok." More likely, you'll hear things like, "Love sucks!" or "Love is wonderful!" One can surmise that whether or not a person is experiencing love, in the giving or feeling sense, will influence which one of these opinions is more likely. Hey, according to the Beatles, All you need is love, but to the J. Geils Bands, Love stinks!
As a human being fortunate to have been raised in a loving family, and to be in a loving marriage, I feel pretty confident laying to rest some common falsehoods about love. I'm no love expert, but I really do believe love is all around us. And I feel certain I can dispel the following untruths:
Love is blind. I think the person who coined this phrase was trying to say people who love are not concerned with appearances. I'm not sure that's true. We don't fall in love with people we don't want to look at. But this phrase has also been used to greater extreme to imply those who love are completely clueless:
Friend 1: "Wow, that guy is so arrogant!"
Friend 2: "Yeah, well you know she's in love and... Love is blind."
In reality there's probably a better explanation for why their friend is in love with an a-hole. For starters, she's probably not even in love. But I submit the exact opposite about love. I think it heightens our senses, makes us more keenly aware. When I look at my husband, I don't see a perfect man. I see a man who despite his imperfections (we all have them) is a warm and caring, loving and devoted husband, father, son, sibling... you get my point. Same with my family members. Do I think they are perfect? Do I ignore their mistakes? No, I simply embrace and accept them, and love my family anyway. Sometimes the honesty of someone you love is just what you need to work on your own areas for improvement. Love is not blind, it is forgiving.
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Seriously? The person who came up with this little gem must be alone on an island somewhere. A loving relationship is the best place for an apology. Whether a child is seeking forgiveness for disobeying a parent, a spouse is seeking forgiveness for forgetting a birthday or anniversary, or a loving friend feels badly for inadvertently hurting your feelings, isn't an apology necessary and appreciated? What about those who believe in G-d? No matter what your particular religion is, aren't we expected to ask G-d's forgiveness for our transgressions? Saying you're sorry is most important in a loving relationship. Love means finding a way to forgive those you love, not never having to say you're sorry.
Love will conquer all. Our survey says, "Blam!" This might be the one falsehood that bothers me most. Who is naive enough to believe that just because people love one another, forces will be conquered, problems will be solved, cancer will be cured? Childs play. Here's the way I prefer to think about it. It takes away the mystical power of love and puts responsibility on the people who love. Love makes the tough things worth fighting for, worth working through, worth sticking around for. Financial struggles in your home? Just loving each other won't make money mysteriously fall from the sky. But loving each other will make working as a team to outlast the struggle and work towards solutions a possibility. A loved one struck by an accident or a serious disease or illness? A loving family won't magically cure it. But loving each other will help you care for the loved one and each other and fight for survival. Love doesn't conquer all, it gives you the power to fight.
Some of the other falsehoods, needing little explanation:
Love makes the world go round. Okay, we get it. The world wouldn't exist without love. Science disproves this one for me. Love makes the world better, but it doesn't make the world go round.
Love is a battlefield. Sorry, Pat Benetar. Great song but if love is a battlefield, you're doing it wrong.
Love is like a faucet, it turns off and on. Sorry, Billie Holiday. See note for Pat Benetar.
Love is a serious mental disease. Plato must have been scorned badly to have said this. If this is the worst mental disease facing humanity today. I'll take it.
Of course, there are quite a few truisms about love as well, and many of them will be in the eye of the beholder. But I think we can at least agree on some of the things love is not.
It's not a magic pill. It's not easy. It doesn't suck. Am I right?
-much love
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