Numbers

This is my 270th post on this blog (holy moly!). When I started out on January 1st, my intention was to write one every single say for a total of 365 at the end of the year. I will have 365, but the plans kind of changed a long the way. Life got in the way, and I was busy and stressed at various points. Who isn't, right? Some months back, I decided to give myself a break, cut myself some slack. My obligations became overwhelming, and my writing started to feel like just that, an obligation. This blog has certainly help me keep to my goal of writing daily, but I had to make some adjustments. Some days I can't write. Either time gets away from me, or my brain stops functioning coherently. Instead of freaking out or giving up, I have adapted by making up posts, and on some days I write two. On occasion, I've even written three in one day. Anyway you slice it, on December 31st, I will have a full year- 365 posts. I'm not usually a  numbers person, but I couldn't help myself. I wanted to take a look back. Here are some numbers that make me feel pretty good:

• I have (now) written 270 blog posts on this blog alone
• As of the last two days somewhere, I have has over 5000 hits to this blog! That's more than any other blog I've written.
• My most widely read post was I Believe I Would, a poem about my husband. It got 118 hits.
• My second most widely pos was also about my husband, it was about our 20th anniversary and it got 98 hits. I guess people love to read about love!
• I've written 29 posts about my work.
• I've written 19 posts about my son.
• I've written 23 posts with a number in the title.
• I've written 72 poems.

I'm Gonna Miss This

I'm going to miss this...

Swim meets and awards nights

three-person family dinners

random hugs and I love you's. 

What's for dinner? and 

Can you make enchiladas this week?

Mom, this is better than in any restaurant.

Early morning wake-up calls

piles of dirty laundry and dishes

belongings strewn about the living room.

Technology current events

inventions and industry certifications 

discussions about new discoveries.

Reddit posts and dog memes

Youtube videos and games

phone and device hacks.

Sushi nights, the two of us

laughing fits over silly little jokes

movie lines and song lyrics.

I can go on forever,

the days seem long and tiring

but time seems to pass too quickly

I just know I'm going to miss this...

all of it.

Kids

Resilient.
I can't think of a better word
to describe children living in chaos.
It's as if the instability prepares them,
it's as if they're unfazed.
And I think for a moment, maybe they are.
Maybe it's the rest of us who are distraught,
concerned for them with aching hearts,
worried about what will happen to them.

Not so.

Kids are good at hiding tumult.
Their minds and hearts find ways to cope,
that is, until they can't.
So you wonder
when the giggles will turn to sobs
when the playing will turn to fighting
when the coping will turn to destructing.
And you try to protect them.

Sometimes you can.

They need to feel safe and secure.
So you feed them and hug them,
you clothe them and you love them.
And you read with them and play games,
and tell them how wonderful it is
when they complete a jigsaw puzzle,
or button a shirt or tie a shoe all on their own.
You struggle with them through homework.

You tell them you love them.

They're resilient alright.
But they are not immune to abuse and neglect.
They are not old enough to find their way on their own.
They are not bulletproof.

They deserve better.

A Halfway Hiatus

A couple of weeks ago, I decided I needed a hiatus from Facebook. It wouldn't have been Facebook specifically, but social media in general, except Facebook is the only social medium I use with any kind of regularity. I found that I was feeling angry and frustrated. Most of the time I would log on specifically to interact with my writing group on our closed page, and then before I could even get into the page I would be confronted with an image or a remark that would make my blood boil.

At first I thought it was people with specific opinions that I didn't necessarily agree with, and I supposed that would be a bit childish. Then I realized it didn't matter what anyone's opinion was. Trump or Hilary haters and supporters; Colin Kaepernick and other non-national anthem singers; police shootings and anti-police garbage; racists and Black Lives Matter; 2nd amendment rights and accidental shootings; how we should and should not remember 9/11; teachers suck and parents are no better. I could go on and on, both sides of every issue were flooding my news feed and I decided I couldn't take it anymore.

I never comment on any of the posts, whether I agree with them or not. I just choose not to put my beliefs about everything out on social media for online arguments. I wouldn't have most of the arguments face to face, why would I spend my time doing it online? For awhile I tried cruising by and ignoring the inflammatory posts. Scroll right on by to the adorable photos of my friends' kids or an interesting essay from the The New Yorker, I'd tell myself. Then I stopped looking completely. I left my computer open to my writing group's page and I quickly navigated there when I was on the phone version. I simply could not take it anymore.

A few days went by and I had to remind myself not to get on. Don't do it, I told myself. I had to remind myself of the reason I decided to take a break in the first place. Within a week I didn't miss it. Within a couple, I still didn't miss it. And within the third week, I found I was better able to log in to see my writing group and just spend a minute or two here or there to see if there was anything of quick interest. And I think I'm back to a healthier habit.

I'm not hung up on whether someone knows I missed their birthday on FB. I'm not worried about posting every little thing me and my family do. I'm not worried I'm missing anything. If I'm on and I catch it, great. If not, oh well. And to be clear, this isn't some holier than thou preachy thing about FB being a waste of time. For me it never really was. It was a way to use downtime and catch up. A way to share and interact informally with friends and family.

For me, cutting my FB time has resulted in one intended consequence: I do not find myself needlessly angry or frustrated about other people's opinions or rants, especially those I care so very little about.

Less time on Facebook has made me happier!

Observations

As writers, we are observers. Some of our greatest mentors remind us that writers look at the world differently than others. We study people and things, inquire about places and customs. The entire world is a dynamic pool of ideas for writing. I revisited an old article this morning about how we are in such a rush to live all the time. The writer suggested we live our lives for our resumes and not for our eulogies. The reference was to the things people celebrate and honor each other for in a eulogy, as opposed to the things listed on our resumes. Simply put, after someone is gone we celebrate his ability to make anyone laugh, or the honest way in which she loved. We don't celebrate the promotion to Vice President of marketing or how many cases were won in court. It reminded me to slow down a little, take in my surroundings. I decided with a pretty laid back schedule today, I was going to concentrate on observing my surroundings this morning. Here is what I noticed in a few short hours.

Observations

People have strange affection and attachment to famous people they likely never met. I pulled up behind a Cadillac this morning. It was a fairly new and nice looking car, if you like Caddies. I looked it up when I got home, and if it's the car I think it is, it starts at $53,000. What struck me about it is on the back there was a license plate frame that said Dale Earnhardt. Maybe it's just because I'd never put something like that on my car, but I though it was strange. People love famous people like family.

**

Driving down the road on my way out this morning I noticed a pink fire engine. It said something on the side. I think it was Supporting Women, Raising Awareness. Why do we always make pink the color of women's issues? I'm not a big fan of pink. And fire engines look weird in pink.

This isn't the one I saw, but it's pretty close.

**

Just because you're courteous to someone, doesn't mean they will return the courteousness. I went to get my haircut this morning, and pulled into a big shopping plaza. As I pulled past a stop sign in front of Publix, I rolled slowly for a couple of twenty-something guys crossing toward the store. I really didn't need to stop, as they were several feet away as I approached.  But there was a long line of cars behind me, and I try to be safe and courteous in busy parking lots (See this post). As I sat there, with all those cars behind me, those guys were taking their time, looking behind them and not moving along. I stopped a lot of traffic for them, and they were just lollygagging. They never even threw out a thank you wave. No big whoop, I had a/c and a good song on the radio. I just noticed they didn't appreciate my courtesy.

**

Fried chicken is one of the yummiest foods in the world. Forget that it's not healthy, the only thing that might be better is the smell of fried chicken cooking. Not so at 9:00 am.

**

It's 90 degrees plus outside on a daily basis here in Florida. We have no signs of fall at all except for pumpkin spice everything in every restaurant and fast food joint, and shoe stores trying to convince us to buy boots. But I noticed today, you can still find plenty of us in jeans and a surprising number of people in long sleeves and hoodies. I saw a guy on his bike at a stop light, in long pants and a hoodie. I thought there's no way he can arrive anywhere without stinking like holy hell when he gets there. Maybe it's for safety, in case he falls.

**

Since my son started driving, if there are any police lights or other emergency vehicles within miles of my home, or his school, or his job, and I happen to pass by, my heart sinks and starts racing. I know I'll always be worried about his well-being. Will it subside when I can't see where he is all the time?

Look Out, Here I Come!

I suppose there is balance in the universe, even when we don't feel it. Is it possible when something starts to feel good for one person, there's someone else suffering in some way? That is a pretty stupid question, as there are always people celebrating and others who are suffering. But I wonder if there is one to one correspondence. Maybe, maybe not. All I know is I was prepared to write about how upbeat I was feeling about some things in my life that I'm starting to see more clearly, steps down a path I wasn't so sure which way to go. Then I found out a dear friend is struggling with some major upheaval in her life. Is it random, or is that the way the universe works? I will keep my friend in my thoughts and prayers while I try to work out my own place in the universe.

I have been on a confusing journey since I finished my doctorate degree. Throughout my studies and my dissertation I felt such a strong sense of what was important to me and what I wanted to do. I felt like I was taking steps to get there, carefully placed footing up the side of a mountain. Then something happened, it was as though my foot slipped and I lost my way. I was hanging by a couple of cables and a carabiner, feet dangling, looking to the top and down below for answers. It took awhile, but I think I've regained my footing and I'm climbing back up.

I've dug deep. I've done a lot of reading and a lot of thinking. Through teaching, I am learning. I'm reaffirming my sense of place and I'm starting to see what my next move is. I'm no longer blaming circumstances, and I've decided what to do next. I've got a plan for a study, and I'm working on my literature review. I will not let my dissertation be the only time I'm published. I'm ready to jump back in and become a part of the research community. I'm ready to be back where I belong.

Where I'm From

I have been researching a new project, reading various media sources about place and sense of place. Like so many online research sessions, I happened upon a website that led to a blog, that led to another blog, and then a Youtube video. I couldn't help myself. I knew right away when I read Kentucky Poet Laureate, George Ella Lyon's poem, I would use it as a mentor poem. I read it several times, then found the video from The United States of Poetry episode posted below, and listened to her read it aloud. I had to try my own "Where I'm From" poem.  Writers and teachers, I encourage you to visit her blog. There are lots of golden nuggets to be found in the pages, and the home page says, "Welcome Word-Weavers!" She uses the spiderweb as a metaphor for writing. How can you not love that?

Here she is, yes George is a woman, reciting "Where I'm From."

Where I'm From
by Laurie J. Kemp

I am from eat-in kitchens
from records and 8-track tapes.
I am from the giant weeping willow in the backyard
(Expansive and shaggy,
a great place to pout.)
I am from the colonial porch
the almost back deck
which never got built
because our family fell apart.

I'm from kugel and matzoh balls
     from Isador and Esther
I'm from the wise-asses
    and the big mouths
from give it a rest! and go to your room!
I'm from Shema Yisrael
     Adonai Eloheinu
     and dozens of Hebrew prayers

I'm from small town Long Island,
fresh deli and the best bagels.
From a family of four I lost
     to a divorce
when my mom and dad called it quits.

In my closet were boxes and piles
filled of memories and photos,
a collection of my childhood artifacts.
I am without those moments
lost in the packing when we left
faded memories in the back of my head.