On our way home from a weekend trip to the central part of the state, we made our way back down the coast. We were approaching the Sunshine Skyway, sill traveling along the low flatter portion of the bridge. It was mid-day and the sun was high in the sky, bright but a bit hazy so the usual dancing glitter over the water was replaced by small choppy waves. You know how you feel when you're in the woods? I asked my husband. He looked at me somewhat inquisitively, as if it was a loaded question though it was not. You know, that sense of calm... I tried to explain with my intonation and my facial expression, because there really are no words for the way he feels and acts when he is in the woods. It's like he sheds his outer skin and is completely exposed, not with vulnerability but with thirst. I was reclined in my seat and gazing out the window longingly. That's how I feel when I'm by the water.
And he suddenly understood why when we discussed vacation ides or weekend getaways, I always want to be by the sea (or ocean or the gulf). He often reminds me we live in Florida and so much of what others do on vacation, we can do anytime. So when we plan a vacation, he usually wants to do something else. When I put it in those terms, it was like the flip of the switch. The analogy became clear: The sea is to Laurie as the woods is to Paul. He turned to me with a soft, gentle smile. I looked back him knowing he was finally understanding. I really want to live on the beach. Maybe we should just buy a condo. And the man I married; the man who never wants to drive to the beach to have dinner or hang out with his toes in the sand; the man who after twenty-five years can rarely surprise me, turned to me and said, "I'm down with that."
A few days later, we were planning a weekend get away to Lovers Key and talking about getting an open jeep for our next vehicle. I think I see into our future: Living on the beach and vacationing in the woods. And you know what, I'm down with that.
One of my favorite "sea songs" for your listening pleasure.
Someone at work said to me today, "You actually look good today." Can you believe that? I thought to myself, actually? Sounds rough. There was a time this comment might have sent me over the edge. I might have spouted off to some others about how f-ing rude I thought the person was to say something like that. But not today. Today, I was well aware she didn't mean anything by the comment. It likely came from several weeks of my less than cheerful, unhealthy appearance due to horrific allergies. After over a month of make-up free days because of swollen and itchy eyes, I have recently been able to return to my old self. I usually don't wear much make-up, but I always dress my eyes a bit in a neutral color eye shadow and some mascara. I have naturally long eye lashes and it brightens up my face a bit (Oy, I just sounded like my mom and my sister all rolled into one.). I think I knew where she was coming from, and anyway this came across my FB feed this morning:
I posted it with wise words from Master Jedi, Yoda who said, "Do. Or do not. There is no try." Truthfully, I think I got it backwards on my status update, but you get the point. I made the decision today to be happy. I've been working on this. Trying. But today, when I saw this I knew there was no try, only do. Earlier this week in yoga class, we closed with a meditation and my instructor told us to decide on a sankalpa- an affirmation- and to say it to ourselves three times. It was a tough Monday following a not so great weekend. I knew if I was going to make it through the week I had to make a mindset change, and relaxation yoga on Monday night is extremely helpful for this. Very simply, I chose I am happy. I know I have struggled lately with an overall feeling of happiness. The day to day moments and people in my life are wonderful, but I've had a hard time feeling fulfilled. So I affirmed to myself, I am happy. And I gotta tell you, it's working. Albeit slowly, but it is definitely working. When I saw this today, it was a gentle reminder. We have a choice in the way we feel. We can allow everything and everyone around us to make us feel as though we have no choice and our feelings are controlled by external forces. But it simply isn't true, and I'm starting to get the hang of it. So far this week, I am brave and I am happy... and I'm writing. So either writing makes me brave and happy, or feeling brave and happy helps me write. Quite frankly, it matters not to me in which order it happens, as long as it does.
Three years ago I wrote this post on another blog. I'm revisiting it today because the thought is on my mind once again. I have edited it from its original form on that day in 2013- different time, different situation. Same sentiment. But I'm a little older now, and dare I say a tad bit wiser... if only a tiny bit, every bit counts. I think though, I feel it even stronger today than I did three years ago.
What if all the advice about taking the highroad is wrong? Hold your head high, walk tall. Keep your chin up. When one door closes, another one opens. If it's meant to be, it will be. Rise above it all; you're better than that.
Don't burn any bridges.
What if, even though I have been told all my life I never should, I wanted to burn a bridge? I'm talking really set it ablaze. Douse it with kerosene and flick a match over my shoulder just like in the movies, and watch it turn into a river of liquid flame. Or pepper it with explosives from one end to the other, flip the switch on my remote control and watch it light up like the Fourth of July, pa-pow!
What if everything in my head, all those words of wisdom gathered up over the years said take a deep breath and move on, but my heart and my gut said blow the mother fucker up? Let the proverbial bridge burn down and disintegrate to ashes!
Sometimes I feel tired of being responsible and diplomatic and professional and level-headed. Sometimes I just want to react with emotion, from my gut instead of calmly stepping back and keeping myself in check. If I see one more of those stupid Stay Calm and... e-posters on Facebook, I think I'm going to lose it. I want to speak my mind without fear of repercussions. I want to not care how it will affect me in the future. I want to be brave.
We're told that we hold the keys to our own futures. We control our own destinies. I think I believe this notion to a certain extent. But is it possible road blocks, dangerous bridges or crossings can prevent us from reaching our goals? Can it be they are set up by others to sabotage us? Yes, I know usually we need to take physical and or emotional risks to achieve success. After all, we are also told throughout our lives anything worth having is worth working for. But when does it become foolish to keep trying to cross what might be a booby-trapped bridge or a road with hidden mines beneath the surface? Is it ever appropriate to blow the bridge to kingdom come and start building a new one?
Don Henley said, "Sometimes you get the best light from a burning bridge." (I sure hope he wasn't referring to a bridge to and from the Eagles because that would not support the direction I'm headed in here). I wonder if you need the old foundation to start building new bridges or pathways in life. I wonder if I can really wipe an old one away completely and start clean, letting the light from the burning bridge show me the way. So far I haven't ever been brave enough, (or stupid enough?) to try. I have been afraid my future relationships or successes will be predicated on those from the past, and I need my history to pave the way to my future.
Everywhere you go they want to know from where you came. New mortgage, what's your payment history? New lease, who did you rent from before? New car, what kind of payments are you making now? College, what did you do in high school? New job, what did you do in college or at your last job? On the other end of these questions, are people expected to answer them about you- the right way. Why is that fair? Why is what others say or think more important than who you are and what you say about yourself? Sometimes people think they know who you are, and they just don't. Why do they get decide what your next move is? It begs the question.
If we burn bridges, do we go up in smoke with them?
I've got a lot of really great people in my life. I have the best parents and sister, a loving husband and son, extended family, supportive and loyal friends, and outstanding co-workers. And every now and then one of them happens to step it up, right when you need them. I've written about my best awesome friend, my college pal, and writing group, my sister, and other parts of my family. There are just too many posts to link. But today, I'm particularly grateful for another one of my special friends. I think Helen truly understands me. It's no secret she's a little bit older than me, and I feel like she's often paving the way for me. She's kind of my guiding muse, always helping me to dig deep and better understand my place in life and my place in the universe. We have quite a few common interests, including writing and music, and of course we're both educators. Her book and music recommendations are always on point, and this week was no different. Today I realized she gave me an ear worm. Not the annoying kind that taps on your brain like Chinese water torture, but the kind that sits in your conscious thoughts because it needs to be there. It's just perfect for where you are. Right now.
Helen & Me at an NWP Summer Institute writing marathon.
Last week Helen and I had a lunch date where and when we began to put together our ideas for our 2nd annual Women's Writing Retreat coming up in May. As always, she brought some fantastic ideas and we bounced a whole bunch of stuff off each other as we hashed out the tentative agenda. We continued to message back and forth throughout the weekend as our brains continued to churn in excitement. In all her brilliance, Helen thought it would be fun to post teasers on our FB event page to get attendees excited about the event and thinking in line with our later-to-be-announced theme.
She shared with me, Brave by Sara Bareilles which I downloaded, along with the rest of the album The Blessed Unrest. It's an uplifting, feel-good song and I can't stop listening to it! (Listen for yourself below.) But more than the catchy cheerful tune, when I found myself singing the lyrics in my head all day, it became clear to me this ear worm had a purpose. My friend Helen has done it again. This is my new anthem, and I can't ever imagine being sick of it. Is there anything better for the opening line of an ear worm than the words, You can be amazing?
You can be
amazing
You can turn
a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be
the outcast
Or be the
backlash of somebody's lack of love
Or you can
start speaking up
Nothing's
gonna hurt you the way that words do
And they
settle 'neath your skin
Kept on the
inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a
shadow wins
But I wonder
what would happen if you
Damn! Words hurt more when we keep them inside than when we say what we have to say. Keeping them on the inside with no sunlight? They're like dying plants. But what would happen if you...
Say what you
wanna say
And let the
words fall out
Honestly I
wanna see you be brave
With what
you want to say
I have been belting this out at the top of my lungs in the car each time I hear it. Sara, Helen, telling... and me affirming to myself to be BRAVE! I've never been one to shy away from my feelings. I have a hard time holding back, and people think I'm speaking my mind. But man, sometimes it's all a bullshit facade. Sometimes you think you're getting the real me and as brazen as I appear to be at times, it's only the half of it. I wanna be brave. I wanna let all the words fall out without worrying where they land and what other people have to say about it.
Everybody's
been there, everybody's been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for
the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to
the mighty
Don't run,
stop holding your tongue
Maybe
there's a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of
these days you can let the light in
Show me how
big your brave is
I'm going to stop running, stop holding my tongue (or at least my pen). I am going to stop getting in my own way. Helen also posted some words of wisdom about challenge today. Fuck challenge! I am ready to do the work my dream is asking me to do. And let me just tell you, I am going to show how big my brave can be! Thank you Helen for the world's greatest ear worm. I love and cherish you.
